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[21 Jun 2009|11:32pm]

digi148
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[10 Dec 2005|02:58pm]

boltdaggers_exe
[ mood | frustrated ]

mm... contradicting myself is certainly one of my strong points...

'the more you don't understand people, the closer you get to understanding yourself'
I'd written that some time ago. So I don't know what I'd meant by that anymore...

I don't think I meant to say that I was a bad person. Maybe, bad at being a person, as people speak their minds freely and are able to come to grasp with their feelings, requiring thought and precision, as well as concentration and insight on the matter.

I haven't been able to do any of that lately. It still bugs me and frustrates me that I wasn't able to tell chao what I honestly thought about him last night. I was so frustrated about it that I slept longer than I usually slept (5am to 1pm, wherein I usually slept 5am to 10am). Not because I don't want to come to terms with myself, just that, it's almost like my brain overloaded. Almost. That's why I had to do something else distracting (that Super Mario Brothers movie) or else... who knows.

Gah. He's more in tune with his feelings than I am... 'I like you because of your insight on things'...
........
then I had to write that crappy cavity-giving poem. I bet it seemed like I didn't really care about him at all.

But I do... he's one of the reasons (in fact, he's the main reason) why I'm not lonely anymore. One of the reasons I'm myself. I want to try harder at succeeding because of him, though I don't know why I do it. It's not like he's telling me to, just this feeling that he's always watching out for me and hoping I do good for myself. Always wanting me to do good for myself before I do good for others, making sure I get what I deserve... always, the chao sitting on my shoulder.

Even though I'm such a screw-up, he keeps loving me. I love him the same, no matter about his status or family life (with money and whatnot), I don't want him to think he has to get me anything in return, all I want is just plainly, simply, him.

yesterday
chao isn't your traditional 'knight in shining armor' guy. He does that job quite nicely, he's the one who's been talking to me the longest, but even that doesn't matter, anyone could compete against who is the one who's consistently chatting with me every day. There's a lot of qualities about him that I love, that I just love... that is pretty much all I could sum up. Took me hours to get that far, too.

He's so much like me, but then not at all. As he says, he's a 'very logical guy', but just as much illogical as that. He worries, just as much if not more than I do for anyone else, puts others before himself, and seeks to gather friends whom he can relate to and have fun with, and each of them result in bettering him all the more. Each day and each moment he has something new to say, a conversation never gets tiring. When things get tough, he's there with a hug full of warmth and of hope, as well as a handful of quotes that just simply suit that very instant. Sometimes just the thought of him is enough to make me want to keep living... if I left, look at all I would be missing. I don't want to miss a second, and yet, it is nice to give love a break...

You love who you love. Society's importances can all wait - in the end, happiness matters the most.

And yet... there is still something that is kept missing that I must say...

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[17 Oct 2005|09:27pm]

digi148
[ mood | contemplative ]

I don't know... but then I do. It's so clear to me what's going on that maybe I keep wishing that I didn't know.

Maybe it's time I left, but then I don't want to leave.
I keep being hurt though... but then I heal.
I can say what I want here and not be as put down for it as I do out here...

I don't think livejournal was meant to be a permanent IM place...

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[05 Sep 2005|03:04pm]

boltdaggers_exe
[ mood | cold ]

When all you have is each other,
that's the time when you let go...

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[27 Jun 2005|12:05pm]

digi148
[ mood | silly ]

...

...

and some more ...

and even more ...

and EAT THIS! ...

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lately these have all been movies [19 Jun 2005|10:21pm]

digi148
Read more...Collapse )
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[19 Jun 2005|09:10pm]

digi148
I would hand you the world
and everything in it
if only it would...
bring a smile to your face.

I would go the extra mile
would make the sun boil down
cause the torrents to fall
if only... if only.

I would
destroy
revive
and do it all over again...
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[16 Jun 2005|01:02am]

boltdaggers_exe
It hurts.
the pain in my body.
making everything go numb.

Inside,
I can't feel a thing.
Not even my throbbing heart.

Someone please...
just stop me from bleeding.
Give me
your bandages...
to wrap around my wrists.

Anything... just...
don't let me go...
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[11 Jun 2005|11:05pm]

digi148
Read more...Collapse )
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[11 Jun 2005|11:01pm]

digi148
Read more...Collapse )
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[11 Jun 2005|10:54pm]

digi148
door bustersCollapse )
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[07 Jun 2005|10:00pm]

digi148
taiyoh!!Collapse )
1 comment|post comment

[07 Jun 2005|08:44pm]

pikachu_117
Michaelhandjr [8:20 PM]: Hey Digi!
Michaelhandjr [8:21 PM]: What else is bothering you? I sens something deeper than what youre saying...
burusuexe [8:23 PM]: ;_;
Michaelhandjr [8:24 PM]: So really... Whats wrong?
burusuexe [8:24 PM]: you're right... something's wrong... it's a deeper problem.
burusuexe [8:24 PM]: well, now everyone's online... but when they aren't I get super lonely... almost wanting to do something awful.
Michaelhandjr [8:25 PM]: Dont do anything awful. Youre Digi! You like... unified us!
burusuexe [8:25 PM]: that's not true. you unified everyone by yourself. everyone unites themselves with others.
Michaelhandjr [8:27 PM]: What do you mean I unified them? Im no leader. Im not important, But you Digi, are important. More important than you think. And I actually didnt bring Mel to that. She brought herself. And Art-chan showed me the comment. So see? You unified us.
burusuexe [8:28 PM]: because they were worried about me... and wanted to tell others...
Michaelhandjr [8:29 PM]: Exactly... See? You are noticed. People want to talk to you. And if Goldenmane were on, shed be here too, I bet.
Michaelhandjr [8:29 PM]: Here, lets all talk about this. Ok?
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[07 Jun 2005|08:55pm]

digi148
You've gone on so long with me being here... maybe you thought it would stay forever this way... whether you talked to me or not.

Well now... now you're losing me.
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[07 Jun 2005|08:45pm]

boltdaggers_exe
[ mood | questioning ]

...make pretend that they were all taking to you at once. Would that feel... different? Better than this, or more frustrating?

3 comments|post comment

[07 Jun 2005|08:22pm]

digi148
[ mood | blank ]

...I don't care who you are. I'm not discriminating against just one person. I've just had enough of this. All of this.

Sure maybe it's just the summer weather that you're all out somewhere else having fun rather than being online. I'm not even online all that much because of that same reason. Or maybe your interests have just changed that we don't really have anything much in common anymore.

I don't care what your reasons are. There's no point in judging and not judging. I just hate being left in the dust. After everything I did to not be so shy and after I talked more than I ever had... this had to happen.

And I don't think I'm going overboard. I hate it. I hate it this way...

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[06 Jun 2005|10:32pm]

digi148
as long as it's not moldy and not in the garbage... I'd eat it.
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[06 Jun 2005|05:38pm]

boltdaggers_exe
You did say anyone could post here, just not join it. I could friend it as well but just not belong to it.

I was wondering what you were talking about. Love? It is real. But hard to find. Hard to find love that is true, though it is always real.

Me, I'd found it, but it was fake. It was disguised as lust. Love is real... but you have to watch out.
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[03 Jun 2005|12:55am]

digi148
love... what is love? love is real...
8 comments|post comment

[02 Jun 2005|11:50pm]

digi148
oh and I need to take the bus tomorrow and I know I will be dead tired... it's already midnight and I want to get home and I don't know if I can or not because it's a 9am bus and all and blah I don't really want to do that.........

I've never been on a bus before. in. my. life.

wait that would be a lie since I rode the school bus... but this is different since it's a city bus and the schedules are confusing and ---

man... I just lost the focus in my eyes...
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